Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

This kid will have a bright future.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*