Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.