Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”