me working on my assignments ^-^
You Might Also Like
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Oh deer
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p