Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw