me working on my assignments ^-^
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!