Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Good morning!

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08