Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.