Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football

March 16

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]

My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.

6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black