Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.