Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: *audible toot*
Me: I am not here to make friends.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?
6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?
– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that
HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.
Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.
HR: it’s mandatory.
Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.