Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
You Might Also Like
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?