@Co_Mill

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

You Might Also Like

@illiter8too

Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.

@ohpegah

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

@SarahMJade

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

@abraveturtle

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@utofellatio

Obama: we need to create a plan to reduce pollution
Biden: *turns from watching captain planet* have you asked the planeteers for help?

@Angibangie

6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?

– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that

@TheMichaelRock

HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.