Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.