I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
me: worms cannot fully express my love for you, but they’ll try
girlfriend: you mean words lol
me: *shooing away flock of birds* just open the box babe
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“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”
These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”
Two days have passed, no reply.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Retweet this and you’ll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.