me: worms cannot fully express my love for you, but they’ll try

girlfriend: you mean words lol

me: *shooing away flock of birds* just open the box babe

You Might Also Like


“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.


Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.


I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.


Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.


Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.


Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?


3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating



Retweet this and you’ll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.