nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
we all know this pain all too well
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.