@sonictyrant

me: worms cannot fully express my love for you, but they’ll try

girlfriend: you mean words lol

me: *shooing away flock of birds* just open the box babe

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@RunwayDan

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

@GrowlyGrego

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

@dannyboy7813

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

@GingerGander

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

@thepunningman

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

@BunAndLeggings

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and you’ll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.