Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

remember

only for emergencies

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.