Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.