Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

For real 🤣

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.