WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
4: mom was i in your tummy?
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”