Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.


Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries


I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.


ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here


[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time


4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no


My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.


WINDOWS: update? ๐Ÿ™‚

ME: I canโ€™t

WINDOWS: later? ๐Ÿ™‚

ME: I donโ€™t know if Iโ€”

WINDOWS: pwease? ๐Ÿ™‚

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops ๐Ÿ™‚


“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang