Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.