Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

Got ya covered

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.