Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

this is the news I live for

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

sure, why not

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??