Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

A customer told me they were never coming back….

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

They grow up so quick

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.