Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons