Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

What kind of a cult is this?

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve