Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

#Thanos #MondayMood

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

My sex drive has a dui

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!