me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
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Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.