Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
🤣😂🤣😂
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?