HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
For the baby who has everything
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me