Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
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Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Extremely relatable.
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.