Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
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I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Saturday
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.