Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
When you “pspspsp” too hard
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.