Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

Church Pugh’s

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

i would wish you the best but i am the best