Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

who wants to go expliring

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?