Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.