Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.