Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
i was baptized in a car wash
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.