Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
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Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
dam girl
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there