Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
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Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Holy moly
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol