me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
hand it over!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists