Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.