Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
You Might Also Like
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Breaking news:
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes