Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”