Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
You Might Also Like
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.