Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

first you must answer his riddles

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh