Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
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Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
wtf is an acronym
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Mike is short for Micycle
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
This 4th of July, please remember…
Love is in the air fryer.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
presenting your incognito window wrapped
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
excuse me
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered