Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

Most fashion shows these days…

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?