Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
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you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Important
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Best table by far
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.