Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
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Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
The cake is mightier than the sword.