Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
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I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
the world’s most popular steaming services
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.