Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

[eulogy]

line?

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.