me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
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all bases covered
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*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”![]()
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.