Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

😂

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!