Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
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Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS