Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
You Might Also Like
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.