Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

fly smarter, not harder

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.