Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives