Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

me hooking up with my ex

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

[eats all your cotton candy]

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT