ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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Choosing the correct font is crucial…
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I mean…but I did
