ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!