Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
You Might Also Like
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
every college guy’s fridge
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please