Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
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I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.