me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
no one ever comes back
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar