Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff