Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

oppen heimer style lol

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”