Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”