Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.