Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

😂

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.