Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

ㅤㅤ

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.