Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Them: You should try keto
Me:

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”