me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.