me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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man: wait
time: no
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope