Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
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*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
The future is now.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.