Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event