me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
You Might Also Like
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary