Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.